Calming the Monster
by FlowerPot21
Summary: Staring into the darkness, he knew there was no calming the monster...EO oneshot postDemons


Calming the Monster

Elliot used to scoff at the idea of childhood myths of boogey men and shadowy figures resting at the end of your bed just watching-waiting for you to look it directly in the face and see who you really are or what you'll become from that very moment. He remembered those days of checking hallways, bathrooms, under beds, and closets for things of such nature for each of his children and he remembered always chuckling at how imaginative kids could really be. Out of the mouths of babes.

But now, as he lay in bed, only the dim moonlight slinking in through the blinds in the bedroom, he understood the power of darkness and deep rooted paranoia that snuck into the crevices of the mind and in ones life. He'd been in a room full of demons.

Sitting in a group of child molesters and rapists pretending that he too had a problem with impulse control made his stomach turn and he realized that the fear of something creeping into your comfort zone, invading your personal space, and that something so terrible and frightening indeed lived under your bed…or in that dark hallway, or loomed in that bathroom and no one was safe from it.

Perhaps the scariest part of it all was the possibility that it lived in side of us all: the primal, bestial need for fulfillment where it isn't wanted because its never enough.

The role he played-Mac-had almost completely consumed him. He was still Elliot in the sense that he was out to get Ray Shankle and keep him off the street, but this journey revealed a whole other part of himself. He recognized the impulse, identified it, faced it head on, and as a grown man, he understood (but didn't sympathize with) the men who follow the voices in their heads; the urges that drive them to do things beyond comprehension because it was a force that they gave into on a daily basis.

Elliot wanted to believe that he was better than them. That no matter how desperate he got, he would never resort to degrading women and taking away a piece of their soul.

He felt Olivia stir next to him in her sleep and she turned to face him. She pressed her naked body closer to his until their legs intertwined and her nose was nuzzling his. He saw her grin a bit as she inhaled his scent. He pushed her longer hair out of her face and kissed her softly as she dozed off again.

No amount of showering could rid him of the filth he felt crawling all over his body. After the operation was over, and he'd given his statement and been checked for injuries, he came home and chucked the clothes he had worn during the past week, made love to Olivia, and took a scalding hot shower.

Elliot ended up staying in the shower for about an hour, ignoring the stinging from the two sets of claw marks on his back. He couldn't remember how many times he soaped over his body, but he still couldn't shake the crawling feeling.

Olivia was fully awake now and she sat up a bit and looked at Elliot. He was still tense, and she knew that it would take a while before things got back to normal between them. They hadn't seen each other for most of the week during the operation, and the last time they saw each other on the docks, he gave her a look that told her that everything would be alright.

"You're not him," she whispered calmly. "You'll never be him."

Elliot cast her a doubtful glance.

She pushed her hair out of her face and sighed as he shook his head and sat up with her.

"I'm not so sure," he said, shaking his head. "I mean, what's to say that one day I'm not going to snap, you know?"

"El, I know you," Olivia insisted as she took his hand in hers. "You're a good man and a good friend. You're not him. That's why you do what you do and you're good at it."

Elliot wished that her analysis was really that simple. And maybe it was, but he knew that it would take a while to be Elliot again. In some ways he still felt like his alias, Mac. That role had almost consumed him-he almost believed that he had that kind of depravity living inside of him.

Olivia knew that she wouldn't be able to completely convince him that he was going to be Elliot Stabler, father, detective, friend, lover just the same tonight. Satisfied that she reassured him, she gave him a gentle kiss to the corner of his mouth and she felt him smirk. She leaned in and kissed him fully on the lips. Elliot kissed her back firmly, reassuring himself that being with her this way was not a dream and that her love for him was very real.

He slid on top of her and she smiled, wrapping her arms around his neck loosely and sighing into another kiss, her heart beating at the fact that she loved this man more than anything. And the best part was that she didn't have to say it…he already knew and he reflected her feelings twofold.

Olivia nestled back into bed again, lying against her stark white sheets, looking up at him with her round, lovely eyes and she had the most beautiful, glowing grin on her face as he settled between her legs and prepared them once again for the slow, intimate lovemaking that connected both their bodies and their hearts.

A while later, they lay side by side, basking in their bliss. Olivia smiled and reached over and caressed his cheek. Elliot leaned over and kissed the palm of her hand as she cuddled closer to him. He wrapped his arm around her shoulders and held her tight.

They stayed like that for a long while, and when Olivia fell back to sleep, Elliot quietly and gently untangled himself from her and covered her with the sheets as she slept peacefully. He slinked his arm over her waist and kissed her shoulder as she snuggled against him closer.

She trusted him, and he wouldn't know what to do if he ever broke that trust. He stared into the darkness as the moonlight faded away from overcast skies.

He used to laugh at immediate fears of the dark. That the idea that there were voices, pulsing rage, uncontrollable sensations and urges was ridiculous…a person had a choice.

Now, though, staring into the abyss of dark, he knew that there was no calming the monster.


End file.
